what do I want?

Yesterday I spent an hour and a half at a small local bookstore to do a book signing. One person bought a book. I realized afterward that my attitude about these sorts of things has been very negative. Was I the cause of no one stopping by my little table to at least ask me about the books? I don't know.

In all honesty hardly anyone came into the bookstore while I was there. And the e-mailed newsletter sent to those few people I actually know in Tucson did not bear fruit. As usual the marketing piece of being an author elude's me. When I speak to friends and relatives they make sympathetic sounds when I mention my lack of sales. And I wonder what goes through their minds. I figure it's something like this:
How can she be so blase` about her lack of success? Deep down she must feel like such a failure. And why doesn't she find someone to help if she can't do it herself? I couldn't  keep writing if my books didn't sell better than that. I mean, what would be the point?

Writing is the point. And putting the books out in the marketplace. I did notice a certain nasty attitude coming from some part of me before I left for Mostly Books. You know that critical little voice that wants to keep you down? I figured that the voice was there to keep me from having any expectations. And on the way I said to my husband, "I wouldn't do well with success." How's that for a self-fulfilling prophecy? Unfortunately it's true. I would hate to be surrounded with people wanting me to sign their books, or asking all sorts of questions about my process and so on...one or two are fine, but a clamoring crowd? Not for this introvert. But then I think of Van Morrison and how for years he played his music with his back turned to the audience. Eventually he got over his shyness. So, you ask, what do you want?

I want to be successful in the sense that thousands of my books are purchased. E-book or paper, it doesn't matter. I want a fan base--people that love my books and discuss them online. I want some movie producer to notice what great movies they'd make and contact me to do a contract. I want a publisher to pick them up. In short I want my success to be an arm's length away.

I write because I love to write. I think my writing is good and that my stories are compelling. Because I have a somewhat quirky outlook on the world, they may not appeal to the general masses. They tend to have convoluted plots and several pov's and one or more moral dilemmas that raise issues important to me as a human being.

I am now questioning the power of positive thinking. Spiritually, what is the proper attitude? Do I imagine my books flying off the shelf? Do I let my expectations run wild? I think I try to avoid disappointment, hence the bad attitude. But how much can I expect? I'm going to be selling books at the Book Festival in the middle of March. My spiritual self would like to keep a neutral attitude of 'whatever happens is fine', and look at the whole thing as an exercise in meditation. But deep down I want people to enjoy my books. And I want to be recognized. The success I want does not come from monetary gain--although that would definitely be a plus.  I do want success--just on my own terms.

Quail Chronicles Day 10

Yesterday afternoon, after watching the birds seeming to search for a way out of the yard, I opened the gate a smidgin. A while later I checked and they were gone and I closed the gate...I let the dog in the yard for a moment and then we went to neighbor's house for margaritas, taking the dog with us to play with his new best friend. When I came back I felt bereft without the quail to watch. I decided to open up the gate just in case. At 6:30 here they came, the entire family, including Maurice, back to roost! I was so relieved to see them! But now there were only 6 babies--how could they have lost one already, I thought to myself. I searched around outside the gate, listening for the telltale peeping of a lost chick but heard nothing.

I was taking a bath when I heard a loud unhappy peeping--baby chick, I thought, jumping out and pulling a towel around me. Must be outside the gate somewhere...but as I came into the living room I realized the noise was coming from inside the house. There on the wood floor on the other side of the couch was the missing baby. I had noticed Buddha sniffing around the couch when we got back from the neighbors but hadn't thought too much about it. Poor little guy--how long had he been in here? And HOW did he end up inside the house?? I picked him up and went out the slider to add him to the brood settled under the cardboard, disrupting the mother. With only one hand available I hadn't closed the slider behind me so Buddha came bounding out to see what all the fuss was about!


As you can imagine, chaos ensued. I got Buddha back in the house, closed the slider and turned off the porch lights, hoping they would accept the little guy into their midst even though he had human smell on him. It took several minutes before the peeping stopped. Relieved I went back to resume my bath...many thoughts had gone through my head about what I would do if the little guy didn't stop peeping--I thought perhaps I would bring him in and fix a little box for him if I could locate my heating pad....

This morning all 7 were following mom and I opened up the gate about 5 inches so they could leave if they wanted. It didn't take long for them to find the escape route.

Will they come back tonight? Stay tuned and I'll let you know. And if anyone can solve the mystery of how the baby Quail got into the house, I would love to hear it!